My yoga practice is more like my academic life than I thought.
I started doing yoga only a couple weeks ago. After struggling with stress during my MA, I signed up for yoga at the start of my PhD as a way to both try stay somewhat active and take a mental breather a couple times a week.
The sessions are getting both easier and harder. I can now shift through my downward dog flow without thinking through every step, but already my mental noise has gotten worse and I can't seem to find my balance, physically or mentally.
My frustration came to a head during one of the final, more difficult stretches (half-pigeon, anyone?). With my forehead on the mat, I was trying to use my breath to carry me through the tense stretch and to a place of stillness. I kept cursing myself for not finding a calm space, then noticing my thoughts and trying to clear my mind, then feeling guilty that I couldn't - finding a moment of quiet just to lose it again and becoming increasingly frustrated.
Then, I suddenly tuned in to what the instructor was saying.
"Often, we are aggressive towards ourselves during difficult poses. Acknowledge your frustration."
I actually teared up a bit as I had a realization: I had been being aggressive towards myself lately, but not only in my yoga practice - I had been in my academic practice as well. I'm sure you know the feeling - guilty because you didn't manage your time well enough, or prepare enough for a course, or finish a reading before class.
It's a sort of self-shaming that goes along with impostor syndrome, and the idea of "being aggressive" towards ourselves is something that I've seen manifest among both myself and many grad students of my acquaintance. Feelings of inadequacy and ineptness are expressed as frustration at not being able to read faster, manage time more efficiently, or even understand why we're so stressed, with the perpetrator and person to blame, of course, always being ourselves - we should just be infinite variations of "better."
Everyone deals with such feelings in a different way, and with the term just beginning, grant writing in full swing, and, for some of us, a new program and new city to become accustomed to, it makes sense for us to be a bit more tense and, perhaps, a bit more aggressive towards ourselves.
So, in order to reclaim my academic practice, I'm going to try apply some of the strategies of my yoga practice:
- Breathe and be in the moment, without worrying about what the next pose will be.
- Listen to your body and your mind; acknowledge tenseness and frustration, and then release them.
- Modify positions to what you can do, without worrying about what everyone else around you is doing.
- Thank yourself for your practice.
Have you found yourself being "aggressive" towards yourself? How do you deal with it?
